The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
