Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
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I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
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He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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