I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
