Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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