I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
