I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
