Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
