peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
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