I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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