my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
