ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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