so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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