T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
