can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I licked your asshole in confidence.
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