The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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