I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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