Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
