My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
being pregnant is like rehab
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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