Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
