summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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