dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
he puts the penis in happiness.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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