I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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