I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
