Cold hands, warm shart.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
