I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
