Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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