Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
