You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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