You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
