i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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