i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I need a burrito and a hug.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
