Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
