Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
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I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
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We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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