This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
All the doctor said was why
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
