You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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