Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
