You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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