I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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