how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
