Someone shit on the floor
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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