Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
