I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
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She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
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Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
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