I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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