im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
