Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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