His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Green mimosas i think yes
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
