last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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