Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
