It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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