The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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