I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!