You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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