I am puke
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...