This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
