Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
third nipple confirmed
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
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