after a month anything with tits is on the radar
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
drinking out of a sandbucket again
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
