I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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