Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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