i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
